On Sept. 28, you were wearing a black sweater and headphones and took a photo of two female students from behind on the ———— University campus. You weren’t even being covert about it. You angled your phone awkwardly at their buttocks and hurriedly put the phone in your pocket afterwards. I hope…
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I understand why, as parents, you were concerned about me moving in with my boyfriend. I was the last kid out of the house and I guess you hoped that I’d find a place of my own instead of “shacking up” with someone in my early 20s. What I didn’t realize was…
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Had I known you’d be living in the apartment below us, I never would’ve signed the lease. Three months into our new life in a semi-bad neighborhood, now paying twice our previous rent, we start hearing your loud thumping music below our unit at 6am, as well as your regularly scheduled loud…
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“Has she been here before?” That’s what you, the owner of a 100-pound mastiff, asked me impertinently after we walked through the gate. “New dogs don’t behave well their first time at the park.” Meanwhile, your dog had just knocked down my year-old mutt—who’s a fraction the size of your monster mastiff—and…
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I was at the Almaden ——— when you entered—already a soaking wet, sweaty disgusting mess—and then decided it was free food grazing time in the produce area. The kicker was that you put all your pits and chewed food back as if “hidden” amongst all the other food. Did you think no…
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I was at the register PAYING for my beer when I noticed you walk inside with a hoody on, perhaps to hide you identity. You worked your way to the back and quickly grabbed an 18-pack. What you failed to noticed was the OG employee restocking the fridge. As you made a…
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I was at the drive-thru at Taco Bell and could see the order screen, which showed the lady in front of me had ordered almost $30 worth of food. I was in a bit of a hurry and knew this would take awhile. Of course, a car had already come up behind…
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You and your husband were making your way onto the plane and I saw my future in 40 years. Faces serious and determined, steps hobbled and measured, white knuckling bags that couldn’t have weighed more than a sack of groceries. My parents taught me to respect my elders, so I offered to…
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It was late and I wanted a smoke (I know, I know—I should quit) but the urge was too great, so I took a seat on the patio and inhaled the sweet relief of nicotine and early onset lung cancer. I usually don’t sit on the porch late at night, as the…
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There’s nothing quite like a BBQ to enjoy the summer swelter, so I thought I’d invite some folks over to enjoy the day. Enter my good friend’s husband, who, since having two kids back-to-back, has not seen the outside of his house except to go to work. Not a minute went by…
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