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101 Ways to Make ’Merica Great(er) Again

In Cover, Culture

Pretty slow year in politics, huh? Ha! Got you, sucka. The 2016 presidential race has felt more like a crazed, national midlife crisis playing out as mom (Hillary) and dad (ugh) drive us to the land of lesser evils. The differences are stark, and anyone who thinks it’s a tough decision is simply being difficult for the sake of extorting attention. But the sentient Fanta bottle in a cotton-candy toupee should be credited for making us think about how to improve our country. With the 240th anniversary of our nation’s independence looming, we decided to come up with a list of 101 ways to make the home of the brave great again, assuming it ever was great. Depends who you ask. Have a happy Fourth of July, and remember: the founding fathers would be horribly ashamed of all of us.

    1. Don’t build a wall.
    2. Free municipal WiFi across the country—or at least make San Jose’s Wickedly Fast Wi-Fi live up to its name for once.
    3. Put an expiration date on debt.
    4. Stop saying San Francisco is part of Silicon Valley.
    5. Bring back vowels—looking at you startups and DJs.
    6. Quit blaming Mexico for our drug problem.
    7. Stop wishing rape on rapists.
    8. Require climate change deniers to carry insurance to pay for all damages if they’re wrong.
    9. Ban fracking.
    10. Create Get-Out-of-Jail-FREE cards for misdemeanors.
      COVER MSV1626 Jail (1)
    11. Stop listening to Malcolm Gladwell.
    12. Make Puerto Rico a state, and perhaps drop Florida.
    13. Decriminalize homelessness.
    14. Exempt Malala from the Natural Born Citizens clause to elect her as president.
    15. End Citizens United.
    16. Something about Glass-Steagall.
    17. Make it harder to buy a gun than rent an apartment.
    18. Create actual tenant protections in Silicon Valley.
    19. Joe Biden is automatically invited to every birthday party.
    20. Either make the primary for every state the same day, or get rid of primaries altogether.
    21. Or at least get rid of superdelegates.
    22. Vaccinate everyone.
    23. Legalize and regulate all drugs.
    24. Teach kids about cigarettes by having one Sesame Street character a year die of lung cancer.COVER MSV1626 SesameStreet
    25. Destigmatize addiction and send drug offenders to rehab, not jail.
    26. Record all drone strikes and make the videos public.
    27. Give Assemblywoman Nora Campos (D-San Jose) her own reality show—for everyone else’s safety.
    28. Force San Jose Mayor Sam Liccardo to close his mouth in pictures.
    29. Create a Hunger Games for Fox News on-air “talent,” minus Shepherd Smith. He can host.
    30. Abolish all bathroom bills.
    31. Redo the “Brexit” vote and require anyone who celebrated Britain’s “Independence Day” to spend a month in a jail cell with Will Smith. And Jaden.
    32. Make Sarah Palin the poet laureate for the Ozarks.
    33.  Drop interest on student loans.
    34. Enact universal free healthcare.
    35. Bring back the income tax structure of 1950.
    36. Raise the federal minimum wage to $15.
    37. Declare a moratorium on the word “artisanal.”
    38. Create a grade school course about respecting women and bodies.
    39. Serve nutrient-packed “superfoods” in school cafeterias.
    40. Require all U.S. citizens to visit at least one other country before they’re 30.
    41. Make VTA light rail faster than backpedaling.
    42. Ban the term “hoverboard” until we get real fucking hoverboards.
    43. Don Draper took the train to work every day. Don Draper was a badass. Let’s take the train, or the bus, or bike, or walk at least once a week.DonDraper
    44. Offer tax credits to offset all smart car costs.
    45. One-way car sharing service for every city with more than 100,000 people.
    46. Every new home should operate on gray water system and solar power.
    47. Acknowledge that the Founding Fathers only got it half right.
    48. Leave Social Security alone.
    49. Ban all pharmaceutical TV ads.
    50. Get rid of baseball’s designated hitter.
    51. Pay college athletes a salary; pay pro athletes less.
    52. Bar public funding for pro sports stadiums.
    53. Teach all Americans that football is the proper name for soccer.
    54. Force the NFL to release all information about concussions and brain disease caused by American football, which we’ll now call Brainball.
    55. Stop with the exorbitant charges for reclaimed furniture—it’s just old.
    56. Forbid hipster companies from pairing two seemingly non-related words with an ampersand. (i.e. Soulpatch & Douche)
    57. Free Ke$ha.
    58. No more Batman movies for 10 years.
    59. Fuck Marvel.
    60. Admit that Terminator 2 special effects still stand up remarkably well.
    61. No more pushbutton DJs.
    62. Never forget that musician Greg Kihn played a Trump rally after all this is over.
    63. Teach Prince’s music in schools.
    64. Quietly discuss whether we were wrong about Bieber.
    65. Run PSAs to stop helicopter parenting.
    66. Bring guitar music back to the masses.
    67. Stop saying hip-hop used to be better back in the day … even if it was.
    68. Require Segway riders to use the freeway.
    69. Stop clapping for comedians who make bad jokes.
    70. Place Kevin Hart in a safety deposit box and be done with him.
    71. More pneumatic tubes. They’re cool, right?
    72. Force TED talks to go underground, as speakers will be hunted.
    73. Nix Judd Apatow, keep Paul Rudd.
    74. Give Sean Penn a Pulitzer for his El Chapo reporting while maintaining a serious face.
    75. Guillotine all man buns.
    76. Require everyone to take 10 deep breaths before posting on social media.
    77. Take activism offline and show up in person.
    78. Stop praising Macklemore for calling out the very privilege he continues to enjoy.
    79. Eat more ethnic food.
    80. Require all businesses to run an ad a month in their local free alt-weekly newspaper to support independent, public-spirited journalism.
    81. Legalize sex work and regulate it as a legitimate industry.
    82. Take all religion and prayer out of government.
    83. Give Jesse Williams a bigger microphone.
    84. New counterterrorism strategy: deflower heaven’s virgins—consensually—before the suicide bombers get there.
    85. Require taxi drivers to know the streets, turn off their mobile phones and not complain about short airport rides.
    86. Stop publishing the names of mass killers and refer to them instead as Coward or Douchebag.
    87. Prohibit Wu-Tang and other hip-hop artists from selling exclusive copies of their records—especially to AIDS drug price gougers, securities fraudsters or combinations of both.
    88. Staple an H-1B visa to the diploma of every U.S.-educated foreign national.
    89. Phase out Prop. 13 property tax disparities.
    90. Declare a moratorium on farmland conversion.
    91. Ban housing construction on any hillside visible from the valley floor.
    92. Expand attorney-client privilege so that discussions between public officials and publicly-paid attorneys can’t be concealed from the public.
    93. Rewrite Google’s algorithm to rank small businesses over venture-funded disrupters for popular commerce-related search terms.
    94. Outlaw those little white styrofoam packing pellets.
    95. Ensure that an 8-ounce cup of coffee never costs more than a gallon of gas.CoffeNotGas
    96. Require patent and copyright trolls to live under bridges.
    97. Retire the terms “stakeholders,” “reach out” and “monetize.”
    98. Allow Elon Musk to make clean, safe water available for pennies a month for everyone, eliminating the need for water districts.
    99. Make ComiCon a paid holiday.
    100. FDR died in his fourth term. Let’s give Obama a third.
    101. Just dance.
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